Goodbye

My heart has been ripped apart, my whole world had changed in a heartbeat. I never got to say goodbye, I didn't want to. When you said last night that you can't be with me, you have problems and you can't really let me in anymore, you're defense walls have gone too high - I felt like I was dying, my heart torn apart, like every good feeling is being taken away from me against my will. I didn't want to live without you. Now I must.

I tried to fight, I did everything I could, everything I couldn't, I humiliated myself, I begged, I prayed, I shouted, I got on my knees, I tries to use so much reason but it was too late - you gave up. You gave up, you left me speechless, I felt so helpless.

 

 

Is that what it feels like dying? Is this what it feels like when you're torn apart? Faith has been broken, both our tears were cried. How can you let go of the thing you loved the most? Of the love you felt for the first time that you deserved? How could you give up? I wanted to do that in the past, but I didn't. I knew that things would never be the same, and I didn't want to lose you. How can you tell me, while you're crying, that you love me and you never thought you'd love like that, that you were more happy with me than you've ever thought you'll be - and then leave me begging on my knees? Why did you give up?

 

 

 

I know it wasn't me, it was you. It was you all along. You were the weaker, you were so afraid to lose me and to hurt me - that you brought it on yourself. I plead you, my love - lets do some living after we'll die. When you're demons will be conquered, when you'll find a way to let me in and be there for you, when you'll understand that you're better with me, that you need me.

I'll wait for you, dear. Not forever, but for now. I don't want to lose you, you're my best friend. I miss your warmth, your touch, your smile, your tender kiss. I love you, and I always will. But I can't hurt myself like this. I can't force you to be with me if you're not ready. I'll pray to the gods constantly that someday, soon or not, you will. But for now, till you'll be ready for love again, I can't lose myself. I love you, but I'll go on with my life. I'm waiting, but I have to be happy, I need that. I just have to figure out once again - how.

 

 

 3 weeks ago, when you still believed we can make it, I wanted to show you how you made me smile.

But I have to figure out how to smile and feel again. I'm a good person, you said so yourself, I deserve to be happy. I just wish you were by my side...