A Year Ago

Exactly a year ago I was on the verge of a huge change in my life - about to start my first relationship and above all - about to move out and start living alone.

So much has changed in the last year, and I've gone through so many challenges and difficulties, but I don't regret anything, nothing at all.

I'm thankful for what I've got and to where I am right now, and the weight I was carrying for so many years has lifted exactly one year ago.

I'm looking forward to see what's in my future and about to  become my present.

Moving On

Yesterday was November the 23rd. Exactly one year ago we went out for the first time, and what a marvalous journey it was. We've lived together so many happy moments, with you I found peace and could look at the beauty of the world and sigh in tranquility.
It was taken away from me exactly a month ago, by your fears, but I'm starting to get better. I sometimes feel the hole in my chest, yesterday I felt it consuming me again and leaving me breathless. And I've missed you so much. But today - I was able to see how beautiful the world was again, after not seeing that for the past month. I just got out of the house and was startled to see the autumn in all its glory, and I was moved, I was excited again.

I know it's gonna take some time, but I'm starting to really feel again, and live, and love the world. Yeah it's a hard life, sometimes so hard that it breaks you down. But my aunt said yesterday something that was so cheering - "how wonderful is that you got to love and be loved. It means that you're open to the world, and who knows what's coming? Only god. But you were blessed enough to know the feeling of true love".

There is beauty in the world, there is love. I just have to believe in it and be ready to feel it again. I'm getting there, I just need a little more time with myself.

What's Left Behind

It's been 2 weeks and I'm angry. I've gone through almost every stage of the grieving process and I thing I'm getting closer to acceptance. I've had my 23rd birthday 2 days ago, and it was pretty hard actually, more than I expected. I wished so hard you'll be with me or at least will call. But no, just a text. And I was so disappointed..
I tried smiling and having fun still, but I had to really force myself to get him off my mind. I succeeded at times, but I was still so mad and disappointed. It was my day, and even then you couldn't get over your own personal struggles to call. So yes, I'm still upset.

Thinking about you..

I can see the shade
and the reflection of my depression.
I can see the profile,
of the ghost that's inside me.

And I haven't stopped smoking
and I can't sleep,
in the middle of the loneliness
I'm still thinking of you.

and I'm afraid to begin
and forget you in the end
because it scares to decipher
what's behind me.

What's behind a tear?
what's behind fragility?
what's behind that last goodbye?
what's left behind, when the love is gone?

I can see from here,
my memories haunting you.
I can see my profile,
on the shadow on the wall

And I haven't stopped smoking
and I can't sleep,
in the middle of the loneliness
I'm still thinking of you.

What's behind a tear?
what's behind fragility?
what's behind that last goodbye?
what's left behind, when the love is gone?

I've translated this song from spanish, It's original name is "Que Hay Detras". And what's really left of me? Actually - a lot. I'm learning to be on my own, and opening myself to the world and new experiences. And although there's a lot of anger behind, it's mainly because of the way that the things happened, but It WAS for the best - I'm gonna learn how to be happy on my own. And I've already started..