Love and Fear

I've gone through a lot of pain three months ago. My heart has been broken for the first time' and I've mourned it in the last two and a half months, and finally I feel like I'm starting to get better. I'm starting to forgive, I'm starting to understand you, and most of all - I'm starting to believe in us again and believe that this time we'll be able to build something much stronger and more stable.

To hear that you're sorry wasn't enough, to get all those flowers wasn't either. What convinced me that you're really willing to fight this time and you take responsibility was when I walked out, when I gave up and didn't wanna try to build our relationship again - and you came out after me. To the street. To convince me. It really showed me how much you love me and won't let me go like that.

Things haven't been easy when we got back, I was so hurt and didn't trust you at all. It wasn't like starting all over again, it was worse, the trust was at a much lower level. But slowly I started to gain confidence, bit by bit. You took responsibility for rebuilding the trust and I chose to trust you once and for all, and the past couple of weeks have been wonderful.

But I'm so scared sometimes... The fear creeps in at the most unexpected occasions... And I love you, and trust you like I've never believed I would with any man, like I didn't think I even can, but I'm so scared to be hurt again, I'm scared that I'll push you away from my life because of the memories of the time you said goodbye. I'm so scared, and I drown myself in TV shows, cooking, studying, working and anything I can think of. But I'm still scared. And I think that it's not because I don't trust you.. It's because I don't trust me enough.

Life is like that - you choose to trust and you hope that the other person won't let you down. There's no certainty there - we may not be together forever. And I know that. And looking at how much energy you put into our relationship in the past month really calms me down. I see a change in you, and it relaxes me. But from time to time - the fear of losing you creeps in. And though I'm much stronger today, it scares me still.

photography

Lot's of updates. Sadly - no time to do that due to the fact that I'm at the peak of my final exams for this year.
So - here's a reminder of how beautiful and colorful the world can be, and how much I love photography, my camera and its lovely effects that highlight colors.
:)

my love

I wrote this song a couple of months ago, and it's my first love song that I'm actually proud of. Dedicated to my love, accompanied by a shoot of the flowers he gave me the night of the Ball at the faculty last week. There's no way to describe how happy he makes me feel other than to sing about it.. So enjoy.

My love, my darling you
I can't forget about last night
though I'll be locked in chains, beaten,
it will burn my insides with light

You're my sanity, I breathe you
And you fill my lungs fresh air,
With your smile, your look
Your touch - you cast away despair...

We've already broken the rules
I wanna break with you some more
knowing you're on my side always,
I have something to look for

Hug me like saying you'll never leave,
The sunlight will peep through the curtains
As the only indicator for time and space,
Then it will sigh disappointed and let the night fall again.
And we will still be looking at each other smiling,
Like knowing a secret no-one knows -
I love you, and I need you
and we will stay like that - till the world explodes.

15.02.12

L.O.V.E. part 2

I've said in the past, on a previous post (L.O.V.E) that "We choose what to make of life, we choose what to learn from a movie, and we choose what is love and compassion for us. It doesn't have to be the Hollywood ditsy-careless-naive love. It can be dependant or harsh or hopeful-yet-realistic love." and concluded by saying that "I need to grow up and understand that I'm in charge of my life and I can choose a different kind of love to believe in: I choose to look at the bright side and not to expect too much of myself and of others, to always believe in the good side of men, to know that there are obstacles, and realise that there may not be a happy ending, but one can only grow from rock-bottom, and although it's scary down there - the feeling of love is worth it."

Allow me to confess a bit: when I wrote these things, it was more wishful-thinking than already an feta compli, hoping that one day I'll be able to do that switch and grow up at last. But today I can safely say that I believe in that whole-heartedly now, and I love like that. That's another thing I can say I've already accomplished this year, and it wasn't even intentionally, which makes it even better. I love and expect more realistically, knowing that there will be ups and downs, but I focus more on the journey, on enjoying the relationship itself, other than preoccupying myself with what will be and my insecurities. I'm a bit ditsy, but already know better, I am not as idealistic, but I know we'll overcome it, and above all - I'm not as naive, but instead very hopeful..


And you know what? I believe that love is incredible all by itself, and I'm gonna enjoy it like hell...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4d7oMxsBMI