I don't think I need you. I need me.
That insecure girl, the one who thinks everything is on her shoulders, that she wpuldn't make it alone, that she's bad if she doesn't please everyone - Is changing.
I'll give you everything you need, I will, but I'll give everything I need to myself first. Cause the only person I really can't live without - is me.
So anything could happen - and it's happening, I'm growing. I love you, and I love me.so I won't give up on me.
Exactly a year ago I was on the verge of a huge change in my life - about to start my first relationship and above all - about to move out and start living alone.
So much has changed in the last year, and I've gone through so many challenges and difficulties, but I don't regret anything, nothing at all.
I'm thankful for what I've got and to where I am right now, and the weight I was carrying for so many years has lifted exactly one year ago.
I'm looking forward to see what's in my future and about to become my present.
Yesterday was November the 23rd. Exactly one year ago we went out for the first time, and what a marvalous journey it was. We've lived together so many happy moments, with you I found peace and could look at the beauty of the world and sigh in tranquility.
It was taken away from me exactly a month ago, by your fears, but I'm starting to get better. I sometimes feel the hole in my chest, yesterday I felt it consuming me again and leaving me breathless. And I've missed you so much. But today - I was able to see how beautiful the world was again, after not seeing that for the past month. I just got out of the house and was startled to see the autumn in all its glory, and I was moved, I was excited again.
I know it's gonna take some time, but I'm starting to really feel again, and live, and love the world. Yeah it's a hard life, sometimes so hard that it breaks you down. But my aunt said yesterday something that was so cheering - "how wonderful is that you got to love and be loved. It means that you're open to the world, and who knows what's coming? Only god. But you were blessed enough to know the feeling of true love".
There is beauty in the world, there is love. I just have to believe in it and be ready to feel it again. I'm getting there, I just need a little more time with myself.
It's been 2 weeks and I'm angry. I've gone through almost every stage of the grieving process and I thing I'm getting closer to acceptance. I've had my 23rd birthday 2 days ago, and it was pretty hard actually, more than I expected. I wished so hard you'll be with me or at least will call. But no, just a text. And I was so disappointed..
I tried smiling and having fun still, but I had to really force myself to get him off my mind. I succeeded at times, but I was still so mad and disappointed. It was my day, and even then you couldn't get over your own personal struggles to call. So yes, I'm still upset.
Thinking about you..
I can see the shade
and the reflection of my depression.
I can see the profile,
of the ghost that's inside me.
And I haven't stopped smoking
and I can't sleep,
in the middle of the loneliness
I'm still thinking of you.
and I'm afraid to begin
and forget you in the end
because it scares to decipher
what's behind me.
What's behind a tear?
what's behind fragility?
what's behind that last goodbye?
what's left behind, when the love is gone?
I can see from here,
my memories haunting you.
I can see my profile,
on the shadow on the wall
And I haven't stopped smoking
and I can't sleep,
in the middle of the loneliness
I'm still thinking of you.
What's behind a tear?
what's behind fragility?
what's behind that last goodbye?
what's left behind, when the love is gone?
I've translated this song from spanish, It's original name is "Que Hay Detras". And what's really left of me? Actually - a lot. I'm learning to be on my own, and opening myself to the world and new experiences. And although there's a lot of anger behind, it's mainly because of the way that the things happened, but It WAS for the best - I'm gonna learn how to be happy on my own. And I've already started..
Tales of the broken hearted.
1. Do what you want do do, don't prevent yourself of anything - alcohol, cigarettes, staying at home in bed, going out whenever you need, even alone. You have to get focused on you, cause that's what really matters at the moment - do what you want, think of the consequences later.
2. Fill the void. Talk to your ex if you feel like it's doing the job, but keep your distance - remember he needs time. Get wasted and fall asleep in the hall, it will uplift you momentarily. Eat. Make yourself do that.
3. Find out how to make the heart pound slower. It's still running like it's in a marathon, and I don't know yet how to ease it. But if you find something that eases it - go for it. You're grieving, it's OK.
4. Don't stop. Do whatever you need to keep your mind off the giant hole that's been ripped in your heart. Go to work, go to school, study, watch TV.
5. Don't listen to Glee. It will bring you to tears instantly. This is experience speaking.
6. Be with friends you can count on and with people who care for you and will always say what you need to hear at the moment.
7. Bathe. Good idea actually.
8. Remember you'll be able to love and you'll be loved again. If someone wants to be with himself, that's HIS problem, his loss.
9. Wait. Though that will be the hardest, that will be the best cure. Either you'll get back, or you'll find a closer and move on - it all takes time.
And damn it, that's just the hardest thing to ask of yourself - to wait. But things are moving, and you'll feel less hung up if you'll take action. If that action involves being friends with your ex - be careful and take it slow. But al least you'll be doing something...
And 10. Srop crying when you hear those lyrics. But that can wait for now, carry on... You and me We used to be together Every day together always.
I really feel That I'm losing my best friend I can't believe This could be the end.
It looks as though you're letting go And if it's real, Well I don't want to know.
Don't speak I know just what you're saying So please stop explaining Don't tell me 'cause it hurts Don't speak I know what you're thinking I don't need your reasons Don't tell me 'cause it hurts
My heart has been ripped apart, my whole world had changed in a heartbeat. I never got to say goodbye, I didn't want to. When you said last night that you can't be with me, you have problems and you can't really let me in anymore, you're defense walls have gone too high - I felt like I was dying, my heart torn apart, like every good feeling is being taken away from me against my will. I didn't want to live without you. Now I must.
I tried to fight, I did everything I could, everything I couldn't, I humiliated myself, I begged, I prayed, I shouted, I got on my knees, I tries to use so much reason but it was too late - you gave up. You gave up, you left me speechless, I felt so helpless.
Is that what it feels like dying? Is this what it feels like when you're torn apart? Faith has been broken, both our tears were cried. How can you let go of the thing you loved the most? Of the love you felt for the first time that you deserved? How could you give up? I wanted to do that in the past, but I didn't. I knew that things would never be the same, and I didn't want to lose you. How can you tell me, while you're crying, that you love me and you never thought you'd love like that, that you were more happy with me than you've ever thought you'll be - and then leave me begging on my knees? Why did you give up?
I know it wasn't me, it was you. It was you all along. You were the weaker, you were so afraid to lose me and to hurt me - that you brought it on yourself. I plead you, my love - lets do some living after we'll die. When you're demons will be conquered, when you'll find a way to let me in and be there for you, when you'll understand that you're better with me, that you need me.
I'll wait for you, dear. Not forever, but for now. I don't want to lose you, you're my best friend. I miss your warmth, your touch, your smile, your tender kiss. I love you, and I always will. But I can't hurt myself like this. I can't force you to be with me if you're not ready. I'll pray to the gods constantly that someday, soon or not, you will. But for now, till you'll be ready for love again, I can't lose myself. I love you, but I'll go on with my life. I'm waiting, but I have to be happy, I need that. I just have to figure out once again - how.
3 weeks ago, when you still believed we can make it, I wanted to show you how you made me smile.
But I have to figure out how to smile and feel again. I'm a good person, you said so yourself, I deserve to be happy. I just wish you were by my side...
It's been a while since I've written, and it was due to the fact that I was scared - scared that my happiness has peaked in Madrid, and from here it's a down ward spiral, but at the past week (that has been a personal low) and this weekend (when things started to get better) proved me something - life is all about highs and lows, and I'll be fine with them all.
So, to welcome my favorite season (which is sadly so brief in my country), I write here a special post dedicated to love and beauty - 2 things I've experienced a lot in Madrid and I'll cherish for the rest of my life..
At the plane, filled with thoughts..
The 1st day at school - looking all fashionable w/ my sneakers :P
"El Angel Caido" - the devil's never looked so pitiful and poor..
The best Icecream in Madrid :)
And along came my love... Here's to us.
9 months and still walking.. :) for many years to come..
squirrel!!
The first rain of the year, what a great farewell from the city that has become our home for 2 weeks and from whom we've benefited so much..
Just before going to Madrid for a once in a lifetime experience, I did laundry at my current dorms for probably the last time.. I got in the mood for artistic shooting, so chose a B&W effect that made the pics come out as if they were from a horror film from the 50's. So - enjoy, and I'll see you when I get back: more tanned, speaking spanish better, and also - Happy to be doing what I want, with whom I want, and chasing my dreams at last...
