Goodbye

My heart has been ripped apart, my whole world had changed in a heartbeat. I never got to say goodbye, I didn't want to. When you said last night that you can't be with me, you have problems and you can't really let me in anymore, you're defense walls have gone too high - I felt like I was dying, my heart torn apart, like every good feeling is being taken away from me against my will. I didn't want to live without you. Now I must.

I tried to fight, I did everything I could, everything I couldn't, I humiliated myself, I begged, I prayed, I shouted, I got on my knees, I tries to use so much reason but it was too late - you gave up. You gave up, you left me speechless, I felt so helpless.

 

 

Is that what it feels like dying? Is this what it feels like when you're torn apart? Faith has been broken, both our tears were cried. How can you let go of the thing you loved the most? Of the love you felt for the first time that you deserved? How could you give up? I wanted to do that in the past, but I didn't. I knew that things would never be the same, and I didn't want to lose you. How can you tell me, while you're crying, that you love me and you never thought you'd love like that, that you were more happy with me than you've ever thought you'll be - and then leave me begging on my knees? Why did you give up?

 

 

 

I know it wasn't me, it was you. It was you all along. You were the weaker, you were so afraid to lose me and to hurt me - that you brought it on yourself. I plead you, my love - lets do some living after we'll die. When you're demons will be conquered, when you'll find a way to let me in and be there for you, when you'll understand that you're better with me, that you need me.

I'll wait for you, dear. Not forever, but for now. I don't want to lose you, you're my best friend. I miss your warmth, your touch, your smile, your tender kiss. I love you, and I always will. But I can't hurt myself like this. I can't force you to be with me if you're not ready. I'll pray to the gods constantly that someday, soon or not, you will. But for now, till you'll be ready for love again, I can't lose myself. I love you, but I'll go on with my life. I'm waiting, but I have to be happy, I need that. I just have to figure out once again - how.

 

 

 3 weeks ago, when you still believed we can make it, I wanted to show you how you made me smile.

But I have to figure out how to smile and feel again. I'm a good person, you said so yourself, I deserve to be happy. I just wish you were by my side...

Retro Feel

I'm in a good mood. In spite of the summer - the weather is nice, I had a good say at work and yesterday I even started to check the exams, so I'm right on schedule. Oh yeah - and I'm more in love than ever :).. so, no wonder I was in the mood for a photoshoot.
I hereby present to you the improvised pics, with a retro effect to mix it up and a cool skirt that my sis bought me at H&M a few months ago and only now I'm starting to take advantage of it.
Enjoy, and have a great week! Make it great! Make it work! ;)

http://lookbook.nu/look/3844449-Retro-Feel

Spring's Here!

Finally! I can wear a short T, I can wear my new sunglasses (that I've bought for only 15 NIS!), try my new sneakers (once again - bought for only 59 NIS in H&M) and take a walk and take some pics. Man, I really feel alive. I wrote this morning, from the bottom of my heart, and what came out was so beautiful to read afterward, and this incredible energy that fills my guts - It's been a while since I've felt it.
I was sick this week - Pneumonia unfortunately - but it was so good to lay in bed all day, gear up for Pesach (a jewish holiday) and clean my body from the daily toxins. I feel like I haven't felt since last October, when I decided to open up this blog after a weekend with my grandparents. And quite ironically - I'll go have another weekend with them very soon. It's a wonderful feeling that I haven't felt in a while - to be myself, to do what I love to do. I'm overwhelmed with things to do on a daily base - work, study, be OK with my parents, be in a relationship - they all consume my energy and I never have enough to write and take a walk and do something for myself.. I've went on a shopping spree 3 times in the past 2 weeks - something I haven't done since November!

So here's a resolution for the future, and luckily I'll have this post to remind me of it - take some time for myself, figure out what you want, who you are. Now that I know what I'll do in the future - a Labor Law lawyer FYI - I need to try and every once in a white take a break from this world and take some time for myself. Be alone a bit. Cause I haven't been alone in the last couple of months, and I've missed it so much...

Summer Nights

"Summer nights, they are so empty,
Summer dreams, they are so vain.
You could get hopes of an ending,
but our nights - refuse to go away.

I don't know how to live in the daylight.
The darkness calls: 'bury your soul with me',
I run, I fall, but never wake-up.
I twist, and I turn, but the long arm of the night -
won't let go..."

I've changed in the 6 years since I wrote this poem. I now let myself enjoy things, I let myself be happy. Though it doesn't come without a struggle, I feel warm inside more and more often, my laugh is purer this days, and I know now what love really is for the first time. And I even think I'm worth it...
enjoy the sunny pics and have a great spring...